BUYING A HOUSE IN ITALY - LEAVING FRIENDS AND FAMILY BEHIND

If you're thinking about buying our house in Italy...or buying any property abroad, then leaving family and friends behind is certainly a big consideration. Leaving your safety net of familiar surroundings, familiar faces and a familiar language can be scary. Aging parents and/or grandparents and grandchildren are usually at the top of everyone's worry list, and rightly so. What if there's an emergency? How will I stay close to my family and friends? Will I become a stranger to my grandkids?

The first thing most expats-to-be have to face is the reaction of friends and family to the decision to move far away. After the initial surprise/shock wears off, you'll find that most people fall into four categories:

1. First there will be those who truly 'get it'. They'll be excited for you, and excited by the idea that they'll now have an excuse to visit Italy and maybe even a place to stay! To them you'll be a hero. the ones brave enough to take the chance and live the dream.
2. The second group will be those who truly do NOT 'get it'. These people will ask why you want to leave your home country, and many will even suggest that it's downright UNpatriotic. They see your decision to live in a foreign country as a rejection of your homeland and all it's traditions. These people might even be angry and confrontational.
3. The third group of people are people who also don't 'get it', but they'll just be so confused about the whole concept of a foreign country that they really don't have much to say. These people have probably never traveled outside their home country, and really don't know why anyone would want or need to do such a thing. One comment often heard from people in this group: "But there's so much to see in the United States!"
4. The fourth category will consist of close friends and family who definitely support your decision to move whether they understand it or not. They offer their unconditional love and support and just want you to be happy.

Needless to say, the move will be easier if most of your friends and family fall into the first and fourth categories. There's no way to make the people in the second and third categories understand....ever. It's like trying to explain why you fell in love with someone - you can list all their wonderful qualities, but in the end we all know it's that special something, the chemistry or special spark that's just impossible to describe. Art's tried over and over and over to get people to come to Italy so they'll finally get it...but in the end, most of them have no interest in making the trip, and those who have still don't get it.
Try as we might, we've never been able to adequately describe just why we moved to Italy. We just knew. We knew it was the right thing to do and the right time to do it. We also knew it would be hard to leave friends and family, but somehow the pull of Italy was stronger than any other pull.
When my mom's friends found out we were moving to Italy, one of them said, "What are you going to DO?!" My mom just looked at her and said "Nothing. she's 50 years old; I can't ground her or forbid her to go! Sure I'll miss her, but it's what she want to do and I'm happy for her." Unfortunately my mom died before we made the move, but just knowing that I had her unconditional support meant a lot.

My daughter on the other hand, although not surprised when we made the announcement, had quite a different reaction. Actually she had lots of reactions, most of them negative. Yes, I understand that kids are supposed to move away from parents, but parents aren't supposed to move away from their kids! In a sense I'm sure she felt as if I was abandoning her, but all of her reactions were based on HER feelings. Never once did she say she was excited or happy for us. Never once did she say she hoped we'd have fun on our new adventure. Although I DO understand her sadness at our leaving, I was definitely hurt and disappointed that she didn't seem to care that we were really happy and excited!
My son, the real reason we ended up in Italy definitely got it. He'd lived in Italy for two years and he and his wife did their best to really get to know their Italian neighbors, to explore the country and to take advantage of all life in Italy had to offer.

When friends asked if we wouldn't miss our kids and grandkids our answer was "Of course we will, but we can't stay here just because of them!" Given my son's situation in the military, it's doubtful he'll ever return to Louisville, even when he retires. In fact, there's every possibility that he and his family will end up in Europe one day. We told our friends that with so many grandparents now living long distances from their grandchildren, we didn't see much difference between our grandchildren flying to see us in Italy or flying to see us if we'd retired to Florida!

Because neither of us have any living parents or grandparents, that's one concern we didn't have to address, but for many it's a fact of life. As parents and grandparents age and become more dependent on others to drive, or cook, or oversee their financial affairs, making sure you, as well as your family, are comfortable with the arrangements is a must. Although these discussion can be difficult, I'd recommend having a frank talk with your parents and siblings to discuss how future changes will be handled. Knowing that your parents are safe will help you to enjoy your new life.

In the end, we've been lucky that we've been able to go back to the states twice each year. Yes, some friends have drifted away, but new ones have taken their place. We've actually connected with new people in Louisville via the internet who share our love of Italy! Had we stayed in Louisville we probably never would have made these connections. We've also made so many new friends in Italy, a real international group of friends who expand our world and brighten our lives.

After five years people now seem to 'accept' the fact that we live in Italy, but those who didn't understand then still don't understand now. We know now, more than ever, that yes, we made the right decision for us. We keep in touch via email, via this blog, and via our regular visits. In the end, overcoming feelings of guilt or questions of responsibility might be difficult, but once you give yourself permission to live your own life and to follow your heart, everything else just falls into place.

COMING TO TERMS - PART 1

Coming to terms with life-altering decisions is never easy. Well, almost never. When we made the decision to sell everything, retire and move to Italy, the decision was easy. We tell people that it wasn’t so much a decision as an acceptance of the path our lives were supposed to take. Since we’re not especially spiritual people or impulsive people, I’m sure many of our friends thought we’d lost our minds, but the one good thing was that if we had gone crazy, at least we’d both done so simultaneously, and what we were doing seemed perfectly normal to the two of us.

And just because we so easily accepted the new path our lives were about to take doesn’t mean that we just ran blindly down that path. We did try to do some research, because of course my first reaction was “no, people like us, average, middle class people like us can’t afford to retire and live in Italy! that’s only for movie stars and CEO’s and people with generations of money who have second, third and fourth homes all over the world.”

I posted messaged on the Slow Travel message board and emailed everyone we’d ever met who lived in, or at least had a house in Italy. I was completely honest about how much money we had and what our retirement income would be, because there wasn’t any sense in pretending we had more than we did. We had what we had, and if that wasn’t enough, then we’d simply have to face those facts.

Amazingly, people were very supportive and helpful. Most people seemed to think that yes, we could afford to move to Italy, and that yes, we could find a house within our price range, but that it would require a bit of searching and maybe some good luck. Armed with the hints we received, we made a trip to Italy to scout out possible locations and ended up finding our house, somewhat unexpectedly. And so everything seemed to fall into place and even I, the skeptic, the pessimist, accepted the fact that we not only should move to Italy, but that we really COULD move to Italy.

Now, 4 ½ years later, accepting the fact that it’s time to move on, it’s a bit harder to accept. Yes, I always knew that we were at the low end, financially speaking, of those who retire to Italy. And yes, we both knew that the exchange rate could be our friend or our foe, but there was no way to know what the future would hold. We had read about the (then) new euro, and altho the dollar was quite strong against the euro, predictions were that the two currencies would settle down to a one to one ration. We knew we could handle that, and maybe even a little more, so we hoped for the best and made the move.

Looking back, do we have regrets? Do we wish we’d followed the advice of those who said we should rent? Do we wish we’d moved more slowly, or perhaps not at all? No, No, No, and No. Viewing this move as an adventure, there’s no way we could ever regret it! As for renting instead of buying, there’s just no way we could have felt a part of our community by renting, and no way we could have experienced the highs and lows of home renovation in a foreign county when we spoke practically no Italian!

I’m going to explore more thoughts on our move to Italy and our decision to move back to the states in future blogs. I’m filled with mixed emotions about leaving Italy AND about returning to a life in the United States. Since this blog has followed our ups and downs, there’s no reason to stop now! Stay tuned.

Here we are!

I wrote this after our first week here, but couldn't post it because we weren't online yet. I thought it might be of interest.

We are home! It feels like home, and even though we don’t “get” a lot of things, we are here, in Italy, bella Italia! Art is still having a hard time getting used to being retired. After working 2 jobs for more than 30 years, it takes a while to decompress. The adjustment was much easier for me, for several reasons. First of all, even when I was working, I only worked part-time. And I hadn’t worked at all this summer…my last day was in early May, when my mom went into the hospital, and then I never went back. And then there is the fact that I have a hard time putting forth my best effort for someone else. If it is a project I am interested in, like renovating a house or even better, a garden, I can and will work from sun-up til sundown. And then of course, while working for the post office, there was that thing about getting up at 4 am…ugh!

Our sleep is still rather erratic at this point…we even overslept on Friday and almost missed the SlowTrav GTG! Wendy ordered a new mattress for the bed, and we are very comfortable, especially since we brought our pillows from home. We moved the bed, and the room feels much nicer…all we have to do now is have some plugs installed on that wall for the bedside lamps, clock/radio, etc. We broke down and bought an electric mattress pad, just to be ready for that first cold snap. Eventually we will have a carpet on the floor, but for now, all we have are 2 small area rugs on each side, to ease the shock of that cold tile floor.

When we arrived at the Rome airport, we had no problem finding our driver, and, miracle of miracles, all 9 pieces of checked luggage arrived, on time and unharmed! Once we arrived in San Venanzo, Wendy met us at the house and took us to Perugia to pick up our car. Once that was done, we were finished for the day, and went to bed around 8 pm.

Day two, Thursday, had us shopping at the grocery store in Marsciano, then to the larger shopping center near Perugia for such household items as wastebaskets, throw rugs and assorted kitchen goods.

Day three was the day we overslept…we had both fallen asleep quickly the night before, then woke up after 3 hours. Art took one of his prescriptions to help him sleep, but after tossing and turning for quite a while, I got up and did some organizing, before returning to bed around 4 am. When we woke up the next morning, it was 11 o’clock, which was the time we had planned to leave the house for our GTG in Chianti. We jumped out of bed, threw our clothes on and headed out the door, calling ahead to let them know NOT to wait for us. Once we arrived, we had a great time and a fabulous lunch with the SlowTrav group, headed up by our queen, Pauline. The lunch lasted 4 hours, then we stopped by to see Cristina, who had organized the whole thing but was unable to come because she had the flu. It was dark by the time we got back home, and we fell into bed, but not before setting our alarm for the GTG on Saturday!

On Saturday we went to the next SlowTrav GTG in San Quirico, a charming little town just outside of Pienza in Tuscany. Another great lunch, more great people, another full day. We went to see Joanna’s house, which was about 10 minutes away, and it was a charmer! She still has lots of work to do, but the possibilities are fabulous! Our day was capped off by a stop at the Mercatone Uno, a large, K-Mart type store. We found a heated mattress pad with dual controls and a few other necessities, but still no large pitcher for iced tea. I did find one plastic pitcher with a lid, 1.5 liters, for about $14, so I passed.

On Sunday, we woke up to discover that the electricity was out. Pauline called to tell us that there was a power outage in Italy, extending north from Rome and that France was suspected of cutting a major line. We later learned that after France denied responsibility, a major storm near the Alps was identified as the cause. We finally got the power back around 3:30, and the water pressure followed a short time later! I was glad that I had charged the phone before we went to bed! We decided to drive down to Marsciano to look for something to eat, but most places were just opening or just starting their food due to the outage. Luckily for us, we stumbled on a great little pizza place with a wood oven, and their first pizzas of the day were coming out of the oven. For about $8 we both had a large slice of mushroom pizza, sausage pizza, and about 3 large glasses of red wine! A great deal!

Monday was the day we were supposed to go to Terni to apply for our residency papers, but Wendy needs some house documents that she won’t have until Wednesday. We went to the market for more supplies …these trips seem to run about $100 per day, but we only bought stuff we needed, so what are you going to do? We then went back to San Venanzo and met with Wendy, the geometra, (a kind of general contractor), and the plumber. We had previously emailed Wendy a list of the things we wanted to do to the house, so we sat down and worked out the details. It seems that we need a new caldaio, a system to heat the water for our radiators and the hot water. The good news is that we will get rid of the electric water heater, which is 18 years old and surely completely crusted over with mineral deposits due to the hard water. We settled on a location for the new bathroom, where to put the washer, and other such mundane items as making sure there were plenty of plugs in the kitchen, where the water softener would go, and what the wrought iron for the railing would look like. With Wendy there to help us, we were able to both give and receive detailed information regarding these projects.

The bad news was that although Rosella is ready to start the kitchen next week, the geometra can’t complete his work until the end of October, so we will have to make do with the smaller kitchen upstairs for a few weeks longer! We are going to try to reschedule our Italian classes for earlier than our Oct 27 start date, so that we can be here when the remodeling is taking place. I would not let anyone remodel my house while I wasn’t there, and we plan to stay in Perugia during the week and return home on the weekends. We are hoping to maximize the “immersion” by living and eating with an Italian family…I know I will need all the help I can get, and even Art will benefit, although he is much more advanced than I am…at least in Italian!

So, after almost a full week here, we are alive and well, excited and overwhelmed, still in awe every time we go out for a drive. Thanks goodness we aren’t pinching ourselves, or we would be black and blue by now. Tomorrow we will open a new bank account at a bank in San Venanzo…our bank now is located about 20 minutes away and doesn’t have as many branches, plus we would like to have a relationship with the people and businesses in San Venanzo. Art tells everyone we meet that we have bought a house here. Those who live in San Venanzo are happy for us, and those who live elsewhere always comment on what a pretty town it is. We decide over and over again, that yes, this is home.